Top 5 Driving Tips for Wankers

Tip #1 Signalling is uncool

Photo by Jenny Rollo on Freeimages

Signalling is what your mum does. On the way back home from the driving test. It might even give you finger cramps.

Nobody wants finger cramps y’all.

Avoid signalling at all costs. It’s clear where you’re going. You’re going wherever you want to go.

Tip #2 Thirty is dirty

Photo by Terry Eaton on Freeimages

30 is dirty. Remember that. L plate material. Magic Radio listeners. 30 is for virgins. And vegans.

Virgins and vegans.

Speeding tickets are Platinum Life Points, GOT IT?

Tip #3 Keeping distance is boring

Photo by Jean Scheijen on Freeimages

There is no point in keeping whatever car lengths between you and the pure scum in front of you. Go bumper to bumper.

You are the boss. You own this. The road is yours.

Have they got out the way yet?! Why are they even breathing — scum.

Tip #4 Cheapskates must pay

Photo by Albert Lazcano on Freeimages

There’s a reason why you invested heavily in the vehicle your dad stole. The reason is you don’t want to let some little cheapskate get the better of you.

Do whatever it takes. Go for the jugular.

Hit the soft middle of your steering wheel, feel it YEAAAAAAH!

Tip #5 Roundawhat

Photo by Darren Kidd on Freeimages

Roundabouts are like yawn round things put there to fookin slow you down.

Roundabouts are a British institution like 1am kebabs, 60 hour working weeks and punch ups with twelve year olds.

Only pensioners care about rules — you were born with right of way — now own it!

Writer with over 20 years in the game. Enjoys writing poetry, fiction, satire, and personal articles. Buy me a coffee

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